where i’ve been + where i am, honestly

the past year…WHEW. it’s been a doozy. so, in honor of that…let’s do a good old fashioned stream-of-consciousness word dump of how i’m feeling to help me get back in the groove of blogging.

i haven’t posted on my blog consistently in 2 years. i could blame the pandemic…but honestly, there’s more to it than that.

i think i’m afraid of success, but i’m also afraid of failure — the combination of which have led me to inaction. that, and i’ve been really busy devoting my creative bandwidth to growing my youtube channel.

> say hi to me on youtube! <

a lot has changed in the last 2 years. i’ve experienced loss and grief, chopped off over 12″ of hair, got my first non stick-and-poke tattoo, started invisalign (hi shiney teeth and me). most of these changes are documented on youtube. a lot has stayed the same, too. i haven’t been able to travel anywhere new, i’m still at my same 9-5 job, i still have supportive, loving, thoughtful people in my life.

i think the same-ness might be why i haven’t felt inspired. my 2021 life looks pretty similar to my 2019 life. i feel stagnant.

and though my life looks the same from the outside, i feel different. i don’t feel like a different person per se, but i do feel like i’m truly getting to know myself better — i guess that comes with the territory of ~ growing up ~.

sometimes when i write blog posts it feels like i’m whispering out into the universe, hoping it connects with someone, but never knowing if it does.

another thing that has drifted me away from blogging is that i always want to present myself 100% authentically online. like…to a point where it’s like girl. that’s impossible. so much so that it freezes me from doing things (like writing blog posts 🙂 ) because they have to be PERFECTLY authentic. but i don’t think there’s a way to be “perfectly” authentic. i think the best i can do is to be raw-ly (yeah i know that isn’t a word) authentic.

so here’s to being authentic online to the best of my ability. here’s to sharpening my old writing skills and attempting consistency on this dusty old blog of mine. and here’s to you for being here through it all.

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