mad meandering

‘vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.’ — brené brown

i’ve noticed within myself that the people i’m most drawn to in life and online are those that are vulnerable. people that are so comfortable with who they are and all of their feelings that they are unafraid to share every part of themselves with others.

i want to be like that.

i want to be a source for people to turn to when they feel uncomfortable with themselves, when they are unsure of what they feel, why they feel it, and if it is ‘normal’ to feel that way.

i’ve had so many moments over the past few years of being overwhelmed with my own emotions. i have a tendency to bury my feelings because i don’t understand what is making me feel that way, which prevents me from fixing the problem. i have this understanding that if i can figure out what is causing me to be sad, upset, anxious, angry, then i can immediately remedy the situation and ‘fix’ my emotions to be strictly happy all of the time.

when i feel myself entering this repetitive cycle of feeling an emotion, getting angry that i’m having an emotion, then feeling upset about not being able to fix myself, i am fully aware that i am being unrealistic.

emotions are human.

emotions are what make us feel alive.

(well, what makes ME feel alive, at least.)

a few weeks ago, i had a day off from work. a precious, empty, sunny day off (this rarely happens). i tried not to have any expectations of what the day would bring, because unrealistic expectations not being met are usually what send me into this cycle. i was with my boyfriend, ryan, and he ended up needing to hang around his house to help contractors that were working. for some reason, even though i tried to go into the day with low expectations, this set me off. i was upset that my day off wouldn’t be exactly what i wanted it to be, which i took out on ryan. then, i got upset for being selfish: for being annoyed that my day was ‘ruined’, and for getting mad at ryan for doing the right thing (and going out of his way to HELP people…can he get any nicer). i then went on to ruin most of the day with my negativity and frustration with myself for being selfish, and further frustration for not being able to wrangle myself out of this bad mood.

the whole time, i felt like i was being dramatic, and feeling something was screwing up my day off. that since this day was no longer ‘perfect‘ it was ruined.

this ideal of perfection, of happiness at all times at any cost, is an unhealthy one. i want to push through this barrier that i’ve unknowingly built for myself, that society has built for all of us.

i want to be okay with feeling emotions, even negative ones. every emotion is a learning opportunity.

i want to hold a space for myself, and for anyone that wants to join me, to process our emotions comfortably and confidently. by confidently, i mean processing in a way without questioning our own feelings. every feeling is valid, even if you think while you are feeling it you are being unreasonable.

my hope is that, in writing this, my openness will help others relate to me and feel like they are not alone.

here’s to hoping that my vulnerability will help someone else. here’s to hoping that my vulnerability will help me process through my emotions and, in turn, be comfortable with them. to accept them and let myself feel them without a sense of guilt.

here’s to being vulnerable.